I have nothing to say.
Literally nothing. I feel numb, separate, disjointed, out of phase, disconnected. And I know why, because that is the only way I can cope with the amount of things happening to me, my country and the world in general.
I feel so much that in effect I can’t feel anything. I want to cry at the news but I mostly can’t, and I want to cry at the state of the world but I mostly can’t. I want to make a difference and change things – but I mostly can’t. The act of going to work and interacting with people makes me feel sick and want to run away and hide – so I switch down, turn up, tune in, tune out play video games and phone games and listen to the news and watch pop videos and smile and I smile and I smile and nothing is at all wrong but at the same time EVERYTHING IS WRONG and I know it is and I don’t want it to be but I can’t stop it like I can’t stop writing to add punctuation because this is what it’s like in my head there is no punctuation just stuff circling and circling and circling and there doesn’t seem to be anyway to stop it going around unless I escape from my own self and blot out the noise in my head with the noise of Destiny on the x box of Aurora on my MP3 player or linkin park on you tube or mending something or sleeping
I need to stop but I don’t know how but here goes the first step , a comma or two, and a full stop . Ok so it’s only punctuation on a blog post but at least it’s a start. I am starting to feel that I need external help to realign my thoughts but I can’t actually say those words at the moment.
Work colleagues: “Hay, is that project going ok? Do you need help?” Me: “oh no, it’s all under control thanks” (translation: “it really isn’t fine and I can’t cope with this – please, please realise this – is it not obvious?”).
Friends: “hi, how are you!” Me: “oh I’m fine thanks – how are you?” (Translation: “I’m the opposite of fine – can you not see this? I am on the edge of losing the plot in a very big way”)
Family: “How was your day?” Me: “yea, ok, how was yours?” (Translation: “I can’t do this anymore – I need the world to stop and I need reset my head because I just want to cry”)
I physically cannot say the whe words I need to aloud. I need help. I need to talk to someone and rationalise the thoughts in my head. I can’t ask the question though. The words stick in my throat, my mouth goes dry. You see those three little words scare me because once I’ve said them aloud there is no retracting them and everything changes.
If you have read this far then I feel I should apologise for the self indulgence of everything I have written. I’m not proud of who I am and all of my inadequacyies, but I’ve always wanted these posts to be honest and this is the only place I can be honest