I am going to try and explain what it feels like. After the clear blue thinking of the last few weeks the clouds in my head are coming back. I know they are there, circling around me, maybe more like smoke, but getting stronger and thicker. I can hear them whispering but I can’t hear what the are saying yet. It makes me anxious though, every minute of the day, and that anxiety means I can’t relax and because I can’t relax I can’t sleep.
But that in turns makes me more vulnerable because the more tired I am the more likely I am to become confused and vulnerable to my depressions nagging litte voice and I will start to doubt my confidence and ability to cope. Self doubt comes very easily.
I know it’s ways though and I know how to fight back, I have a small but useful little arsenal. Positive techniques I learned through CBT, songs that help keep my morale up and sheer bloody minded determination not to give in. It’s not easy though.
It comes on quickly too. Yesterday was great, I was really positive, and then suddenly I wasn’t. From running around getting jobs done, sorting the garden and shopping, feeling great in the sun to not being able to sit still and pacing the house, desperately wanting to cry for no reason. No warning – someone might have just flicked a switch in my head, or a cloud might just have drifted over the sun. I didn’t cry though – I didn’t give in. I cheated my demons again by watching two hours of my favourite to programme in bed – literally falling asleep watching it exhausted.
And today I gritted my teeth and played my songs (MP3 player at my desk, blotting out the noise in his head, ignoring the darkness around me) and I am still winning.
It’s still there though, waiting for an opportunity to drag me back down, but I’ll not let it.
I’ll keep you posted….
Living with me 